


Sora no Ai (Empty love)

by vogue91



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, Johnny's Jr., K.K.Kity, NewS (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst, Break Up, Denial of Feelings, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2019-04-17 21:28:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14198052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: When he had told him they had to talk, Kusano hadn’t hesitated saying it was alright with him.That, Keiichiro liked also.His complete lack of suspicions, as if he couldn’t even imagine that Koyama was going to tell him something he wouldn’t have liked.





	Sora no Ai (Empty love)

Koyama wished he didn’t feel that way.

He wished he wouldn’t have always looked for him, laugh about everything the other did, finding him close without even knowing how.

He wished he could’ve ignored him, but he couldn’t.

He knew it was wrong.

He knew he shouldn’t have thought about him this way.

He was too young, he had known him for too long, and to him he had always been like a younger brother, like someone to watch from afar, never even daring to get close to the point of feeling like this.

It hadn’t been like this, not for them.

And one day Keiichiro had found himself holding Kusano’s hand, without knowing what had happened between them to come to this.

Not that they were together; they met each other more than they did before, they searched each other’s skin, but they had never said a thing, there was nothing official, and he was still trying to understand how this new situation made him feel.

On one hand he felt guilty, because it wasn’t fair to Hironori being constantly in doubt, not knowing what to call their relationship.

On the other, the lack of a definition helped him feel better, thinking that in the end he wasn’t doing anything bad, that until he wasn’t going to admit he was with him then he could’ve still believed that their bond was mere friendship, even though none of their actions could be called friendly.

He had to talk to him. He had to make things clear, and had to take the first step.

Because he was older, because he felt responsible, because he couldn’t afford to delude him any longer and risking to hurt him.

Because he cared for him, or perhaps he loved him.

And this uncertainty wasn’t worthy any of the moments spent with him; as happy as they could make each other, it was never enough.

He didn’t feel ready to let go of him, not yet.

 

~

 

That afternoon they had had the shootings for the Ya-Ya-Yah, the others had played basketball while he refereed.

Once they were done they had gone washing up and changing, and he had reached the younger, with very little conviction.

When he had told him they had to talk, Kusano hadn’t hesitated saying it was alright with him.

That, Keiichiro liked also.

His complete lack of suspicions, as if he couldn’t even imagine that Koyama was going to tell him something he wouldn’t have liked.

They had gotten out of the gym, excusing themselves with the others and saying they were going to catch up with them later, and had started walking aimlessly.

Kusano had tried a couple of times to get a hold of his hand, but Keiichiro had refused to take it.

Whatever his feeling may be, they were still in public, and there were things they couldn’t allow themselves.

They got to a park, and Koyama pointed at a short wall.

“Mind if we sit down a bit, Hiro?” he asked, trying not to look tense.

The younger nodded, accelerating the stride and hopping on the wall, Koyama joining him.

The elder smiled looking at him, but was serious all over again when his mind got hit, in a sudden flash, by the reason they were there.

He let his legs swinging, staring at his hands.

They kept quiet for a few minutes, and he could feel Kusano’s stare on him, but he didn’t have the courage to stare back.

In the end, the younger was the first to talk.

“What did you want to tell me, Kei?” he asked, his eyebrows raised and his expression completely relaxed.

And Koyama, once again, thought about letting this go.

How could talking to him be the right thing, tearing him away from his illusion, when that illusion made them both happy? How could it be right make things clear between them, when it was just going to hurt them both?

But he couldn’t take a step back, not now, not with the awareness that all that game of silences and unspoken words wasn’t taking them anywhere.

“We need to talk about us, Hiro. I... I’ve tried not to show it, I know that we’ve acted as if our relationship has stayed the same as ever, but it’s not, we both know it. And we can’t go on pretending that it’s normal.” he said, serious, and looking at him he saw some sort of hope.

Vague, perhaps restrained, as if he really didn’t want to believe that the discussion could’ve ended the way he wanted

But it was there, and Koyama felt sick at the thought of having to take it away from him.

“I know, Kei. But... I didn’t say anything because it seemed like you didn’t want to talk about it. Not right away at least.” he smiled, then went on. “I like it, though. I like how things are between us, I... it’s like I’ve always wanted them to go.” he finished in a whisper, and Koyama saw him blush for that confession.

“I’m happy as well. Believe me, I am. But...” he paused, biting his lip.

He wasn’t behaving well with him.

He was going around the issue, he was hesitating, and every moment going by before he told him what he truly meant did nothing but grow Kusano’s expectations.

It would’ve only made the blow harder.

“But I can’t go on like this, Hironori. I can’t give in to the fact that our relationship works like this, I can’t pretend nothing’s happening. There are too many problems, too many details that still don’t fit to even hope to keep this going.” he said, all at once, feeling a pang in his chest at every word he was saying.

The hope in Kusano’s face wavered.

But it wasn’t completely gone yet, and Keiichiro knew it wasn’t going to be an easy fight against his stubbornness.

Kusano stood up, going in front of him. He was frowning, and looked at his with eyes that expressed the pure incomprehension, the rage at those words, the confusion of who doesn’t know what to do, how to react.

“Tell me what’s wrong, what’s strange. Because being with you feels natural to me, like this, but perhaps I’m just imagining things.” he said, trying to be in control of his tone, suddenly turned defensive.

Koyama felt like taking his hands, but held back.

“That I’m too old for you. That it’s not the right time for something like this. That we’re in the same band, and I can’t even imagine how coexisting would be if things wouldn’t work out. That…” he sighed, looking for the right words to express what he felt, and surrendering to the fact that they didn’t exist. “That I understand what you feel for me, and I’m not sure I can reciprocate like you’d want me to. Like you’d deserve.”

Kusano had kept still, in front of him.

His arms fell on his sides, surrendered, and Koyama could hear his breath become faster, as if he was about to have a panic attack.

When he answered, in fact, his voice was trembling.

“It’s not like you don’t know, Kei. It’s that you don’t want to know.” he said, resigned, then went on, more passionate. “You don’t want to risk it, you don’t even want to think you could feel something for me. Be that because I’m too young, because we’re in the same band or who knows what else, you didn’t even consider it.” he paused, recovering his breath. “I’m the one who’s gotten closer to you, I’ve been around you until you’ve realized I exist. And I’m tired of always making the first step, you know? You’ve always stood by, but I have always been convinced that it was worth it, if I could have you. Now... I’m not so sure anymore.” his eyes became thinner, whilst he looked at him in disgust. “You’ve messed with me. You’ve had fun playing with what I felt and now that you realize it could become serious, you’re washing your hands of it. I can accept that you don’t love me, but I can’t accept that you won’t even try because you think it’s wrong.” he said, and then he turned his back on him, making as to leave.

Koyama tried to recover quickly from the shock from Hironori’s words, and stood on his feet to follow him.

He grabbed his wrist, trying to stop him, but the other boy wiggled out of his hold.

“Let me go!” he yelled, then he lowered his voice, as to avoid any unwanted attention on them. “Let me go, Keiichiro. You’ve said what you wanted to and I did the same. I don’t see any reason to stay.” he said, without looking at him, and the elder saw him crying.

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Hiro.” he whispered, and didn’t dare touch him again.

He felt damn useless, he didn’t know what to do, what to tell him to make him feel better, when he was the one who had caused his pain.

And the younger boy must’ve thought the exact same thing.

“I don’t care that you’re sorry. You’ve said what you had to.” he sighed, drying up his tears quickly. “Now let me go.” he almost begged and Koyama could do nothing but nod.

He looked at him leaving. He kept still, staring at his back while he went, and every step of Hironori away from him hurt like a stab in his chest.

He shouldn’t have, and he knew it.

He should’ve defeated his guilt.

He should’ve ignored the fact that he was just sixteen and him twenty, not using it as an excuse to end that relationship.

He was afraid of what he felt.

Afraid of being hurt and hurting him, afraid of other people’s judgement, afraid of what was going to happen, hadn’t it ended well.

All he had said was true, except for one thing.

Koyama had spent all his time thinking about him, and what he felt when he wasn’t there, at the feeling of having him close, even just holding his hand, as what he felt at the thought of having him all for himself, having the right to call him his.

And he had come to the worst conclusion.

He loved Hironori, he was sure of it.

He loved Hironori, and despite this he had had to let him go.

He had let his hand slip away from his fingers, and he knew he had precluded to himself any chance to take it back.

There was nothing that was merely right or wrong.

He just knew it hurt, and it was all he could think about right now.

But he had made his choice, and as big as his pain was, as much as he could’ve hurt him, he knew he wasn’t going to take a step back.

He wasn’t going to regret it.

Perhaps, thinking about it in the future, he would’ve called himself an idiot, he would’ve thought that he had let a chance at happiness go away, he would’ve cursed this day. But right now, he couldn’t help but thinking about that choice as the best one for both of them.

And, inside, he knew it was all to blame on his terror, on that fear that had made him blind, that had lead him down this road.

That fear that, despite everything, had been stronger than love.

 


End file.
